Let’s be real, we all jerk off. Anyone who says they don’t is either getting regular sex, or they’re angry all the time. And even if you are having sex, you’re still going to do it because that’s just what people do. We enjoy getting off. It relaxes us, it’s easy to do, and it’s a good way to kill some time in our boring lives.

Me, I’ve been jerking it for over 20 years. I still remember the first time I figured out that my hand could be used for something other than writing. It was a magical day, and I’ve had thousands more since then. But sometimes even spanking the monkey gets boring. Sure, the destination is always great, but the journey can get repetitive and that’s when you need to switch things up a bit. And I’m not talking about going from right to left.

I decided to give my hand a week off and try out the best male sex toys of 2017 to lighten my load. Since I wasn’t getting laid lately, I figured I could test out some products and see if any of them compare to the real thing. This is how my week went.

Best Male Sex Toys of 2017


Sasha Grey Cream Pie Pussy

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This was the perfect male sex toy to start off my week. Not only is it a tight fit, but it’s actually molded from Sasha Grey’s own pussy. There’s no better cure for the Mondays than fucking a porn star, and since most of us can’t do that in real life, this is the next best thing. 



Easy Access Lie Flat Realistic Sized Fake Vagina

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I would recommend this one for anyone who hasn’t had sex before. I would also recommend it for anyone who enjoys sex. Basically, anyone can have a good time with this thing. Using this reminded me of the first time I got on top of a girl. It was a little intimidating. You’re not sure how to move your body the right way, and then your arms get tired. But the beauty of this toy is that it realistically simulates real sex. You can lie on top of it, or just prop it up on your dining room table and go to town. The inside felt pretty good and it was easy to clean. If you’re into butt stuff, there’s even a second hole you can stuff yourself into. It’s a little tighter, which makes sense, and you don’t have to worry about any messy accidents.



Utimi 3D Realistic Molded Masturbator 3-in-1 Vaginal Anal Oral Sex Toy

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When I first tried this male sex toy, the design was a little strange, but I soon realized that with my eyes closed, it almost felt like the real thing. If you love blowjobs, and who doesn’t, this is the toy for you. The mouth opening is tight, and you get a great suction cup effect. The best feature about this product is that you also get a vagina and ass opening on the other side. I decided to throw on some porn and act out what I was watching with the toy. Started out with a BJ and quickly moved into the pussy. It didn’t make it as long as the guy in the porn, and I didn’t care because it felt real and it felt amazing.



Pure Cell Realistic Vibrating Vagina

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Another one of the best male sex toys I tried out, this flashlight pussy toy is super tight, comes with it’s own lube, and is (obviously) super easy to use. The design makes it easy to just grab off the shelf and jam your dick into. This is the one I use when I just want a quick release, but don’t feel like using my hand. It’s ribbed inside, and it vibrates which always gets me off super quick. This one is great to have for when you don’t want to fully simulate real sex but still get that feeling like you’re with someone.



Real Full Body Life Size Love Doll (5’4″)

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This is the one I was looking forward to all week. I’m sure the price tag will turn some people off, but the toy itself will do nothing but turn you on. I didn’t receive this toy until the middle of the week, but once it came, it was very hard to wait to use it. I held out, and when Friday came along, I knew I was in for a fun night. This toy is not really a toy. It’s a life size doll that bends and moves the way you want it to. You can have sex with it in different positions, and it seriously feels like you’re in bed with someone. Sure, you’ll have to hide her in the closet when you have people over, but once you’re by yourself, you won’t want to do anything other than fuck this thing over and over. And that’s what I did, all weekend. Maybe it’s weird to get so much pleasure from a sex doll, but pleasure is why you buy sex toys in the first place. If you’re taking a break from real girls, or just want to know what it’s like to have sex with someone before moving on to the real thing, this is a valuable investment and far and away the best male sex toy I’ve ever seen! I don’t know what else to say so I’m going to go have some fun with my doll now. I’ll see you guys in a a couple of months. Peace!